I've been having a lot of "bad self-esteem" (aka "I feel fat") days, lately. Today, I found out it wasn't all in my head.
I gained six pounds.
In three weeks.
And I gained seven percent body fat. I am now almost where I was a year an a half ago.
I have wrecked all the hard work I've been putting into my body for 18 months in three short weeks.
When I told my mom about this atrocity, she asked me if I enjoyed all the bad food I ate. I said I had, but it wasn't worth SIX pounds! I don't care how good Sandra's fudge is!
OK, OK. I know six pounds doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm only five feet tall. And this six pounds adds up to nine pounds since September. In other words, I have to lose 9 pounds.
It's days like this I really ahte my body.
Mind you, I'm still in good shape. My body fat percentage is in the healthy range. I've increased some of the wight I'm lifting because the old weight is too light - so I'm stronger. But I want to look like I work out 5-6 days a week. What's the point of putting in the time if it doesn't show? I might as well skip the gym and devour a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
At the same time, I feel guilty about the extreme eating because there are people in Southeast Asia who are not only dealing with the losses of their families, friends, home, etc., but are also having a hell of a time getting adequate food and water. Meanwhile, my freezer is overflowing with leftover ham and turkey and cakes. I wish I could send to Indonesia, but, alas, it would spoil.
I just hate that so much of my self-esteem depends on a number on a scale. I've been this way since I was 9 - and although I've never fallen into the eating disorder trap, I've never been happy with my body - not even when I was a size 3 in high school.
We're not even halfway through winter and I'm going to have to watch every bite that I put into my mouth - and I'm going to have to step up the cardio (although not too much, I don't want to injure myself or put my body into shock! Slow weight-loss = healthy weight-loss!).
OK. I better go. My complaining is even getting to me. Ugh! I hope everyone is having a happy new year!