My Life

As I was driving, earlier today, I was listening to my "The Moth" podcast (Great podcast, highly recommend it). Greg Behrendt told one of his break-up stories, after commenting that he often felt like the women portrayed in his book, "He's Just Not That Into You." He told a story about his relationship with Janeane Garofalo and how he was the one who was unwilling to let go and had a hard time with the whole thing; and how she was nothing but kind and gracious and patient with his pathetic self. And the whole thing got me thinking about break-ups: about how a break-up makes you feel like nobody has ever felt the way you feel at that moment. Nobody has ever hurt the way you do in that moment. You'll never get over it. You'll never love again, You know, all those extremes that defy logic because, in that moment, you are a big ball of pure emotion. Yet, for most of us, that pain, that heartache, that stupidity that leads you to behave in ways you would have never thought possible before - phone calls, conversations, pleading, crying, humiliation to which you would never subject yourself to after having experienced it once - is part of the common human experience.

When I was twenty years old, I went through the worst break-up of my life. I know I acted ridiculous. I'm not embarrassed because, at the time, those feelings were my truth. I was in love with him, and no amount of reasoning was going to convince me that he and I were not meant to be. And I have no real regrets about that relationship because I know I put it all on the table, and even though I lost that one, I know I tried with all my heart. Not that I would subject myself to that, again. I should hope that maturity has taught me when to pick my battles.

I don't know. I haven't had a serious relationship, since. For the first three years, I was getting over him (we were off and on for about two years post-break-up). Then it was a matter of re-evaluating. Then, there's the shortage of available men, where I live; and the fact that I won't just settle. But for a while, it was paralyzing fear of getting close to anyone...I'm still a little skittish. but I realize I don't want to isolate myself.

In any case, it took me a long time to accept that he and I were not meant to be. In fact, it wasn't until I found out he was getting married, years later, that I could confirm that I was over him. I was (and am) happy for him. That's something I didn't believe possible for a very long time!

I forget where I was going with this. As usual, my train of thought has derailed. Good night!